PJoyLynn Crazy House

hahahahahahaha

2010-11-30T18:00:00.001-08:00

i haven't laughed as much as i should have during the first half of my thirties.
second half i'll do better.

Squirrely

2010-10-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

i'm driving on my commute home tonight.
long day at work.
waiting at a stoplight.
watching a cute, little squirrel climb up a tree.
then something hits my windshield, just a twig,
but still made enough noise to make me jump.
think the squirrel was playing with me.
and it made me smile.

you get more bees with honey

2010-08-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

is that the saying?
more bees with honey than vinegar.
then i think why do you want to attract bees?

struggling with parenting,
the attempt to guide, nuture and mold my daughter into a good human being.
she says her anger demon is a lizard.
or possibly poison dart frog.
whatever it is, this mama is having hard time.

the punishment makes her madder.
shifts the blame to me.

just stop being a narsty kid.
it's simple.
be nice.
everyone will be happier.

Alignment

2010-08-09T09:34:00.001-07:00

seems like the world is in alignment
when i turn the car ignition
and on the radio
Livin on a Prayer is just starting too.

alone time

2010-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

is very far and few between.
'specially in my own house.
when it happens, my imagination runs wild
all these things i could do.
big plans seem to lead to big disappointment.
so, i'll just lay on the couch today.
embrace my racking cough and clogged nose.
and remember what it feels like to
completely veg out.
without guilt and with complete silence.

When You're Slapped With What Someone Really Thinks

2010-08-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

[Olivia sitting in the recliner, cuddling under cozy quilt blanket. Me is sick, coughing, lost voice and cleaning the house]
Olivia: "I think I'm turning into you, Mom"
Me: "Why?"
Olivia: "Because I like being lazy and wearing sweats."
Me: "Oh, really?"

[obviously backtracking]
Olivia: "I mean, you're not lazy, you work hard too."

Sigh.

knock knock

2010-06-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

who's there?
orange.
orange who?
orange people make no sense to me.
it's ugly.
just stop.

WHPH

2010-05-27T16:07:00.001-07:00

WorkHardPlayHard

Repeating Someone Else’s Brilliant Words

2010-05-18T14:08:00.001-07:00

There are two wolves that live in all of us, the positive wolf full of love and kindness and the negative wolf full of anger, spite and bitterness. So which wolf wins?

The one that you feed.

waylon

2010-05-18T13:48:00.001-07:00

Good hearted
Is a very good word
Good hearted woman
That I know I am
Many other things I'm not sure of
A happy realization today

They say you eventually turn into your mother

2010-05-18T13:39:00.001-07:00

I am sure there are characteristics and behavior that are just genetic, right?
I've always been self conscious of being like my mom.
I mean, growing up, who wants to be like their mom?
(except maybe you, Tracy)
So, I'm very aware of how I'm similar to her.
But I think I might have some of the aging characteristics of my father.
I completely space out and go into my head when people are talking.
A lot lately.
So much so that I have the argument in my head to stop it,
Of course still not hearing what the person is saying.

Wait – does my dad still read this blog?
I think he knows this about himself.
I don't think I'm gonna be in trouble.
Anyway, thanks for that, Roy (it's easier to blame him instead of me),
and for the rubbing my feet together habit.

mad dog

2010-05-14T19:31:00.001-07:00

just found out mad dog is kosher.
in case you're wondering....
and yes i've been drinking.

Fall from Grace

2010-05-14T10:52:00.001-07:00

I obsess a lot, you know this, right?

When Olivia's nasty, I'll say to her: be the kid you want to be – is this the kid you want to be?
I have said this so many times to myself.
Be who you want to be. (oddly is a Bon Jovi lyric)

I'm constantly obsessing on whether I'm achieving it.
Am I really being who I want to be?

If I'm failing, I can feel that disappointment to the core.
Even when I don't quite achieve it,
Even when it's not completely in my control,
There's an inevitability of hurting people as I wind my way through life.
Not purposefully, hopefully, if I'm really good.

The Golden Rule – do unto others as you'd have done unto yourself.
(this is also repeated to Olivia over and over)

So, whatever, my point is, when I fall from grace, when I'm not perfect,
I hope that my loved ones will stand by me.
When they do, it is an amazing feeling.
When they don't, well, I don't need that feeling in addition to the disappointment I'm already feeling.

Another final thing I tell Olivia and tell myself,
Learn from it, move on, try to not do it again.

Mood Altering Drug?

2010-05-13T15:45:00.001-07:00

I wonder what it is about me
Where the words of a song create such connection
That I listen to them over and over and over and over
It's like the soothing motion of rocking chair
Affirming my inner thoughts, helping me to move on.

Typically these are Bon Jovi lyrics – I'll tell anyone that cares
I can sing Bon Jovi at the top of my lungs and things start looking up.
Very much connecting to Lost Highway today:

In my rearview mirror
My life is getting clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears
These trinkets once were treasure
Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old or hit the road 'round here

Got just enough religion
And a half tank of gas come on, let's go

Q13 Fox News Reports

2010-05-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Spring is here, and you know what that means...

Yes,
Raccoons.

Reporting the news is hard work.

think about you

2010-05-10T18:38:00.001-07:00

i know i'm completely blessed to have a few, very close life long friends. i'm learning that this is very unique.

so i started analyzing it, how have they endured this long? for sure there have been times when either party has been pissed, when distance is the only thing that will fix it. but what brings it all back together? i think it's unconditional love cultivated by time.

then i look at my few, very close friendships that don't have that same element of time. and wonder if those will ever get to that unconditional phase.

the life & times of a pta mom

2010-05-06T17:43:00.001-07:00

well, i volunteered for teacher appreciation week at Liv's school. go teachers, you really do rock!

three things:

my psyche is amazing to me, most times i'm very confident in who i am. but i tend to feel grossly inadequate as a mom for working full time, in comparison to the uber-involved stay at home's. but, hey, Liv could eat bacon if she wasn't a vegetarian.
the Seattle compost vs. recycling vs. garbage polite but don't tell me i'm wrong debating cracks me up. Women following behind the others and moving trash between bins.
i'm very naive. there were boxes for each teacher with notes from the kids inside. the pta was supposed to check them to make sure they were in the right box and that there was nothing inappropriate. i say, really? i wouldn't have even thought to censor the notes (by the way, this was another debate between the moms, should we invade the children's private sentiments?). uber-pta mom pulls out her favorite and let's me read it: "Mr. White, you can lick my booty." haha, still makes me laugh.

must... have... sugar...

2009-12-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

i'm breaking my addiction this week.
low carb.
no lattes.
no peanut butter english muffins.
no mint m&m's.
no chips.

day two today.
my body is in withdrawal.

conquering it.

parades

2009-11-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

i think i missed my calling.
i should've been in a drumline.
wearing polyester and marching in parades.
maybe my next life?

haiku'ing

2009-11-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

looking for something
but finding only myself
full circle again

For Fatima

2009-10-26T14:02:00.001-07:00

I read that the flu virus can stay on a dollar bill
for up to 12 days
I can't wait to get the swine flu

I'm Sucked Back

2009-10-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

into the TV vortex
the weather changed
i'm covered by quilt blankie
there's a slurping noise
i'm pretty sure it's my life force
leaving my body

billy

2009-05-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

so, i'm sitting here. had a couple drinks with the hubby out at the pub, now at home... watching billy madison.

this movie speaks so much to another era in my life. that i so embrace. like, with a big fat bear hug. am happy that i can still quote the movie and laugh out loud at my favorite parts.

stop looking at me swan!

noodlin’ on this

2008-11-13T12:50:00.001-08:00

If you want to see what children can do, you must first stop giving them things. -Norman Douglas

JJ sent me this, and it's hitting at me quite hard today. Feel like there's a gluttony of things in our lives, and I'm a sucker for that.

i'm having one

2008-10-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

of those days

where i want to crawl under my covers
and not come out for a very very long time

i don't think i can keep up the perk

l i s t

2008-10-04T17:39:00.001-07:00

at times it all seems too much

volume loud

adrenaline pumping

memories of the panic

then i close my eyes

put my head down

check out of reality

just for a bit

then I open my eyes

pick my head up

and make a list

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-09-11T21:12:00.001-07:00

The Jewells' lives are rotating on that axis again.

Not sure if it's a turn upward, downward, or sideways.

Livin is lovin school.

Hopefully my husband will get a bit of much deserved peace.

Me.

Well, things are sideways.

it’s all my fault

2008-07-24T22:29:00.001-07:00

will is gone from SYTYCD

and i was one of ones who didn't vote

i must not watch the show anymore

bad reality tv fan must be punished

rock it out, twitch

Idols on Tour!

2008-07-14T21:50:00.001-07:00

Yes, yes, I went to the American Idol concert, with my nearly sixty year old mother on Saturday night. My father surprised my mother with tickets and asked me if I'd go with her since I'm such an AI geek.

I had been wondering all day – is there an opening act for the top ten idols? The answer is no. There were nine opening acts for David Cook. Each of the top eight sang three songs each with only two cheesy group numbers. Little David sang four songs, and the tweens went wild. David Cook was only on stage from about 9:40-10:00pm. I thought Carly and Michael Johns were memorable too, but I couldn't tell you what Ramiele, Chikezie or even Syesha sang. I must say this is one of the squeakiest concerts I've ever been too – the only smoke blowing around the Dome was from the smoke machines.

Some of my concert going highlights:

The show was at the Tacoma Dome – it is so damn stinky in that part of Tacoma. I couldn't get past my snobbish-ness whenever they would say "Let's hear it Tacoma"! Over and over again, I kept being labeled as "Tacoma". Made me feel icky – at least some of the idols said "Hello Washington", which is just fine with me.
Watching a tiny little just turned twenty-one'er run back to her seats in tight white jeans and super high heels. She had just purchased a beer! and was in such a hurry that she was running with a full beer! which then splashed all over the ground and her pants. I'm figuring about two bucks worth of beer on the floor.
Kristy Lee Cook belted out "Proud to Be an American". I made a "pff" sound of some sort because it drove me crazy that she picked that song to get the patriotic vote during the show. My mother says to me, "What, aren't you proud to be an American"? "Um, no Mom… I just found it annoying she picked that song to get the patriotic vote". And, you know, maybe I'm not so proud to be an American, but I wasn't going there on our girls' night out.
The tour is sponsored by Poptarts… and there was an annoying "host" of the show that came out before the show and at intermission – hosted a guitar hero face-off.
Buying merchandise at any concert is a pita, but at the end of the show, I wanted to get Livin and the cousins some flashy glow sticks. I'm waiting behind a family of four, who buys four shirts (after holding each kind up to their chests and spends roughly $45 each of them) and also purchases 8x10 glossies of David Archuleta. When a pushy lady is edging in on my turf – I'd been watching her squeeze her way up the line. The foursome leaves, and I let them out, and pushy lady tries to get into my spot at the counter! I say, "You aren't seriously going to cut in front of me right now, are you"? She says, "Well, there's not really a line, it's more like a mob". I say, "Yes, because you're making it that way." Bitch. I did get my glow sticks before she bought her short shorts with IDOL across the ass.

hotter than a pepper sprout

2008-07-10T18:45:00.001-07:00

Livin [Olivia's new nickname, of course after Livin' on a Prayer and Dazed & Confused. She needed a new nickname to start kindergarten, there's another Olivia in her class – annoying. I've decided Livin is much cooler than Livvie] has been digging on bluegrass, Johnny Cash, and Alabama. Maybe she's got some of Grandpa Buster's fiddlin' in her… there are worse things than your daughter listening to songs about shooting your wife in the head or getting married in a fever, right? She has the June Carter part down. Tonight she was doing a self-titled "African Waltz" to Dixieland Delight - there is something a bit wrong there, I think. Now she's dancing around with a cardboard horse, which won't stop neigh-ing. It's a good thing I love me some Johnny Cash because we're on the third round of Tennessee Stud.

Know what sort of bites? Livin is now reading over my shoulder, so I can't type about her now without her knowing. She's giggling reading this – twit! Go dance and be happy, let Mama to her business.

addict

2007-10-02T19:40:00.001-07:00

Help

I'm addicted to kettle corn

It's stuck in my gums, but no amount of pain can stop me

08.17.72 Happy Turdyfifth

2007-08-17T06:50:00.001-07:00

It is this day thirty-five years ago that James Donley Jewell Jr. was born. His story began in upstate New York, but is currently set in Ballard where he lives with his wife, his daughter and his two cats. On this momentous occasion, I, being his wife, should express my appreciation for being the leading lady in his story. How might I do this, you ask? Well, I am nowhere near as talented of a writer (except for the Young Author's awards in elementary school), but I am a planner. I can make lists like nobody's business. That said I give you five things I cherish in my life that I would not have if Jim had not twisted and turned his way to the left coast.

1 – but, of course, Miss Olivia. The depth and breadth of our lives, and our biggest adventure(!) together.

2 – Reading. I didn't really read before we started along together, now this is something I can never do without. Except for he still wants me to read "thinky" stuff which might never happen.

3- NPR. I never had heard of it whilst being a young twenty-something. He would wake up with it on his alarm clock, and I'd get so pissed off. Why do you need someone yammering at you and hearing about depressing stuff at 6am? Well, then came along the Sunday morning programs, which I miss and wish we could listen to in peace now. Someday, right? And, yes, now who wakes up listening to Derek Wang? I do. I refuse to take on Sports Radio – for real now that is yammering. How can you listen to it all day???

4 – Vegetables. As most of you know, I'm a terribly picky eater. However, since my husband is also a talented cook, I have expanded my horizon some. I love me some asparagus, sweet bell peppers, veggie stir fry… none of which would be present in my life if not for him.

5 – City living. I probably would've been content to be an Eastsider (you know I love you all, but really can't see myself out there) if he hadn't taken me out and about in the city. Don't know what you're missing if you never see it in the first place, right? I'm trying to remember some of the first places… Greenlake (remember our "lunch break" there one day? I do.), Fremont, Wallingford, Ballard oh my. 206 represent.

I could drag my list on and on because like I said before, I love lists.

My life has been significantly enriched since he's been a part of it. Wishing him a 35^th year with many ups and few downs... Maybe I'll stop singing "You take the good, you take the bad, you take it all, and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life." But probably not.

Wild

2007-08-09T07:42:00.001-07:00

So, my new Word 2007 can automatically connect with my blog? What? Shoot, technology is cool. And I can log into my laptop with my fingerprint. Sweet…

An Email Address Built 4 2

2007-08-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

So, can someone tell me about the joint email account appeal between spouses? Is this rather like a joint checking account? I mean, I can get into JJ's email if needed and he can log into mine, but really now... tell me about why the joint-ness.

(Lurkey-loo, I'm talking to you...)

Mmmm

2007-08-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to come home from work and eat 5 brownies?
I set such a shitty example for my daughter.
And tonight, I just don't care.
My double chin appreciates growth.

the lion sleeps tonight

2007-07-31T21:46:00.000-07:00

one of my most deliciously favorite mommy moments is happening right now.
peaceful olivia.
sleeping in my arms while we're cuddled up in big chair.
everything is calm and quiet.
reminds me of her sweet baby girl days.

this child 'o mine...
can talk and talk.
can negotiate.
can be relentless in her pursuit of want.

all characteristics that will serve her (and probably others) well in life.
but right now...
mom and dad are on the other side of that table.
rather weary, we are.

four

2007-05-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

why doesn't anyone tell you that parenting just gets funner and funner with each passing year? she's turning four next month. she's already got the moods and attitudes of a 13 year girl right in the heart of puberty. does this mean she will be even worse as a teenager or does this mean she's getting it out of her system now? i'm hopeful, but feel like it may be the former,, not the latter.

bob book

2007-02-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

when i was in elementary school, my friend and i developed the bob book.
a secret place to keep track of our crushes.
hard to remember times like those.
where i was young, carefree and silly.
writing the initials of the boy i was crushing on.
never the full name, only initials.
you never know who might stumble onto something like that.

kitty sewage

2007-02-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

how funny is this... was just cleaning out some drafts in my blog and found this one. written two years ago, but still applicable to present day. so much for natural causes...

our family is drowning in cat crap and pee.
elliott has found that he loves the tile entry instead of the litter box.
it is really most excellent when going to leave the house and running smack into this foulness.

my husband is about snap his little Himalayan neck.
seriously.
we've been to the vet - it's not a medical condition.
it's behavioral. we ain't about to spend hundreds of dollars on a psychologist.
sigh. and we don't have the energy or patience currently.

is it wrong to hope natural causes come soon?
yes, i know it is.
anyone want a cat?

what christmas means to me

2006-12-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

turn around...

2006-11-17T13:38:00.000-08:00

every now and then i get a little bit nervous that the best of all my years have gone by

every now and then i fall apart
and i need you now tonight
i need you more than ever
and if you'll only hold me tight
we'll be holding on forever

turn around bright eyes

summarized eclipse

my best friend's wedding

2006-10-14T09:42:00.001-07:00

really - here are the pics of Tracy's wedding last weekend. Tracy and I have been best friends since we were two. We've stuck by each other through many chapters, and a new one is starting for her. I'm often forgetful to seek happiness, instead just waiting around for it to find me. Well, Tracy's seeking it and finding it. All my love to the newlyweds.

tracy

tracy and her folks. dick and sandy have been my second set of parents. when i was growing up, if i wasn't at my house, i was across the street at theirs. wonderful people - i'm very lucky to have them around me.

tracy and me

tina, tracy and me. the three t's - knocking out another wedding like rock stars.

Janna, Krissy, me, Tina. ALMOST all my girls - Jen was in the hospital with new baby Danner who arrived a wee bit earlier than planned. I've known these lovelies since elementary school - well Tina, Tracy & Janna are fellow North Bend Elementary alums. Kristen and Jen actually went to Snoqualmie Elementary (where the sluts are five miles west of NB), but we accepted them as friends at Snoqualmie Middle School.

Krissy Tits. Size H - that's right, all you B cuppers.

Natey and Tina - one of the veteran married couples in our group. love me some Natey.

tracy and charles (aka uncle chazzy). a bad picture, but one of the only pics i have of charles... the happy couple dancing.

don't no

2006-09-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

was realizing tonight how often i use the words "don't" and "no". basically our co-op preschool handbook had me realizing this. instead of "don't eat the barbie boot", you're supposed to say "barbie boots are for barbie feet" or "we only put food in our mouths".

yet, another thing she can blame me for when she's thirteen.

life is...

2006-09-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

good...
lovin' my job.
lovin' my mental freedom.
rock on.

the monkey is off my back

2006-08-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

finally got out of my job from hell! it took a full day to realize that i don't have to think about or stress about the job. this weekend was so frackin' pleasant. today felt like it went on and on and on. never was my mind bombarded with the pending work shit that normally is there. very cool to have my mind all to myself. very much feel free.

tra-la-la start my new old job at casey family programs tomorrow morning.

my life as a bulimic

2006-07-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

it's a short lived life, don't worry all you militants out there.

ate TOO much colby jack cheese just now.
with triscuits.
my favorite.

talking to jj on the phone and tell him i want to throw up.
he says go for it, it might make you feel better (supportive husband that he is),
he says, i've done it when i ate too much mcdonalds.

so, ok, i'll give it a go.
in bathroom, attempting to gag myself with fingers.
what happens?
puke?
no.
just peed my pants.
that's right.
peed my pants.
no puke.
i'm sure that happens to nicole richie all the time.

so, lessons learned tonight.
1) i am not good at making myself throw up - need to remember this prior to indulging in too much cheese
2) always go to the bathroom prior to purging. nothing like childbirth to screw this up for me.

no will care about this but it's my blog

2006-07-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

Oh gross, gross, gross. Suzanne Whang is a lovely Asian woman who hosted one of my favorite HGTV shows, House Hunters. She was pleasant and nice, and a little cheesy too. NOW, Star Jones is hosting it. Oh no, no, no. She grosses me out. The post weight-loss Star creeps me out and her voice is creepy when she's talking about real estate.

I'm bumming. However, I will be fine. Don't worry.

...top 5...albums...

2006-07-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

So, it's been on my mind as of late which albums are my favorite - you know the list of what I would bring if I was stranded on an island somewhere. and i am not cheating for picking double albums these are my rules.

Here's what I'm feeling today
1. Bon Jovi - New Jersey
2. Beatles - White Album
3. Los Lobos - Just Another Band from East L.A.: A Collection
4. Pearl Jam - No Code
5. Jeff Black - Tin Lily

m.o.n.i.t.o.r.

2006-06-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

tonight i'm sitting here with four electrode thingies stuck to my chest and side, connected to a britney-esque clip-on heart monitor. finally a doctor is looking into these fuckin' palpitations. i'm sure i'm lacking in potassium, or it's nothing.

i've been to the doctor twice this week. seeing a lot of sick people. i got home tonight and asked JJ how it felt to see his 31 year old wife hooked up to medical equipment. he summed it up best. it makes it seem real. indeed.

but.
i'm not obsessing.
ok, maybe just a little.

ain't it funny...

2006-06-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

reading back through the life of this blog?
go ahead and read some of my first posts.
i'll wait.

do you see how carefree and silly I was prior to June 2005?
you all know what happened then.

i became the corporate whore.
sold my goodies to the highest bidder.

one year later.
look where i am.
still nuts.
just too fried to be silly about it now.

Lila

2006-06-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

My mom's mom turned 80 last week. The family threw a party for her this weekend with the whole fam there along with a bunch of old people I didn't know. We even wore name tags.

Unbeknownst to the grandchildren (9 of 12 present at the party), we were asked to tell our favorite grandma story from growing up. Ugh - no time to prepare - childhood memories are such a blur when put on the spot. My sister bailed on standing up in front of the 40 people present (as did a few other cousins), but I got up there with Liv and spouted off something or other about her being wonderful, a great role model, always there for us, yada yada - but felt bad because my grandma deserved better! She deserved all my loving childhood memories because she's always been my favorite grandma. So, JJ suggested I come blog about it since, of course, even in the car home I started thinking of some memories...

1) She always stood just outside her door or in the driveway and waved goodbye to us until she couldn't see the car anymore

2) She makes the most wonderful creamy, buttery mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house were the best! I would eat nothing but mashed potatoes (no gravy, only butter), rolls (with butter), and turkey.

3) She is the central repository for family addresses. She keeps up with every one of her grandkids and sends birthday cards religiously even to all the grandkid spouses.

4) She was happy and excited to watch Liv when I went back to work and needed someone to help. She loved it when we spent the night and had dinner together. She'd do anything she could to help any one of us out.

5) I love Grandma's laugh. She has a wonderful sense of humor and appreciates my sarcasm. I think I'll always hear her saying in my mind, "Oh, Tricia!"

6) I was attempting to make a quilt for my best friend. And, did not plan it well nor did I have enough fabric, etc. I ended up being a royal mess. Well, she and my aunt rolled up their sleeves and helped me figure it out, and made a fantastic looking quilt.

7) I'm riddled with headaches - started when I was a kid. Grandma gives the best neck and shoulder massages.

8) My sister and I would earn extra money in the summers by going with her to clean houses. Hard, hard work - and my grandma did it year round.

9) In thinking back, there isn't a major family milestone that my grandma wasn't a part of. She was there for all the birthday parties, all the graduations, all the weddings. It was a big deal for her to miss my sister's college graduation (the first college grad on that side of our family) when it conflicted with my cousin's wedding.

10) Great big kisses and hugs upon arrival and departure of any meeting.

She's just a kick-ass grandma - the kind every one of us should have. Here's a picture of me and her from the party this weekend.

what's a girl to do...

2006-04-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

i stayed home from work today with a cold. nothing so bad that i'm confined to the bed, but glad i didn't go to work.

jim took liv to the zoo. they've been gone for about three hours.
do you realize what that means?
i'm all alone in the apartment.
by myself with the cats.
total and complete silence.
total freedom to do what i want.

so, what did i do you ask?
well, let me tell you.
i took a long shower first, didn't have to worry about being quiet, it wasn't pre-dawn but daylight. lovely.
worked in photoshop for awhile making my grandma's birthday invitation.
now i'm blogging.
it's great.
now i think i'll take a nap.

ouch

2006-04-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

kellie pickler singing bohemian rhapsody.
hurts ears.
can't watch.

free bird

2006-04-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

so i'm making scrambled eggs.
jj bought Naturally Nested eggs - package reads Eggs Laid by Uncaged Hens.
why does this make me want to be vegan?
is it now because the labeling has told me that i'm eating an unborn free chickie?
i know these things are more healthful, but it somehow seems wrong.
i guess at least the hens are living the good life.

or maybe it's because me and liv watched chicken run a couple weeks ago.

fuck. i put too much milk in - now they're runny scrambled free birds.

jealous

2006-03-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

i'm jealous all the time.

jealous of the skinny people who at 6am are halfway into their elliptical workout, with their skinny asses and legs running around in circles. like rabbits. jealousy so deep it feels like seething anger, but i know it's low self esteem. which is manifesting itself into a wee bit of self hatred because i'd much rather eat a bag of tortilla chips and jalapeno cheese dip while cuddled up under my down comforter in bed watching american idol than living that active lifestyle jenny craig preaches about.

jealous of the people who stay at the fairmount fancy fuck hotel across the street from my work. you know, those people who could just drop 5K on a couch for their cat's sitting room. those people who pass by me in the luxury cars with nummy leather seats with seat warmers and kick ass stereos. those people who could go to the spa every week for massages and pedicures and manicures and fruit fusion body wraps.

jealous of the people who update their blogs and who are connected to people in this online community.

jealous of my husband who stays home with our daughter, but know if I was the one home I'd be writing about how jealous I was because I wasn't the one working.

jealous of people who can go out for happy hour after work without missing out on their four hours of time allotted each day for their daughter.

jealous of people who travel and spend weeks in a foreign country. those people who have the freedom, the time, the money to see the world.

jealous of people who are doing what they love and not sitting a fucking gray cubicle looking at meaningless numbers listening to people saying "we're gonna go ahead and book amortization expense for these tax credit investments, but need you to develop a risk mitigation plan if the expense is booked in April instead of March". why was i in such a rush to be a finance major in college? add onto this one, jealous of people who received real coaching or mentoring in college and explored different options.

jealous of people who don't have credit card debt which is like a flesh eating virus to my self esteem that is slowing carving a big L into my forehead. aforementioned finance major.

jealous of people who have normal cats.

maybe i should stop reading US magazine and stop watching so much reality TV and stop reading silly romance novels. put garbage in, get garbage out. how does that saying go... could've, should've, would've. i make the decision to turn my attitude and self esteem around at least 3 times a week. the follow through is lacking.

grass is always green.
no matter which side your on.
i gots lots of good around me too.
sometimes the good for me myself and i is missing.
even i know i'm good.
just nutters.
i could be worse.
right?
>>>add affirming comment below

lame

2006-02-22T22:41:00.000-08:00

what a lame blog.
who's updating this shitty piece of shit anyway?
i'm surprised my husband hasn't logged on and created a post for me.

hello all you bloggie fans of mine.
isn't vacation a sweet thing?
i actually wanted to bake cookies today or make soup today.
and i actually verbalized that i felt like having another baby.
day 5 away from the corporate grind and i'm domesticating.
a wonder to me.
and i don't want another baby.
realized that when i was wrangling in the super juiced energy ball known as Olivia.
while refilling my presription for my happy pills.
but i did really enjoy making chicken corn chowder.
my grandma evens wants the recipe.

you're an ISFJ

2005-10-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

amazing how easily i fit into a personality bucket by answering 4 questions.
and i know i appear serious ALL the time.

ISFJ

Ok. You are sympathetic, loyal, considerate, and conscientious. You will go to any amount of trouble, when it makes sense to you, to help those in need. You are responsible and enjoy being needed. You are down-to-earth and realistic and like others who are quiet and unassuming. You absorb and enjoy using a large number of facts.

You like situations where the rules are well defined and where traditions are to be upheld. You focus on providing practical help and services for others and for the organizations you serve. You have a strong work ethic.

You can be painstakingly accurate and systematic in handling tasks...you're conservative with traditional values...quiet and modest...tactful and supportive of friends and family...

You are often self-effacing in getting the job done, and are willing to make necessary sacrifices, especially for your family. You are at your best quietly providing assistance and making sure things are in order.

You have a few close friends, don't like disharmony, and try to keep cooperation at all costs...you'll stay close friends with that tight circle for a LONG time...worry a lot...

You need to have things organized in a way you think works.. you cannot work when things are out of order...when things are in disarray, you have to reorganize 'em immediately....you get involved with leisure ONLY after all the work is done...

You have a tendency to put off relaxing because there's too much work to be done...you enjoy time with your family...you fall in love hard when you fall. You place a high value on marriage and family...you seek out a partner and feel unfulfilled without one. you most likely are a good student because you diligently follow through in your work to please your teachers.....you learn best by DOING...

You tend not to be the center of attention...often appear serious...others like trying to get a laugh or a smile out of you...you get angry or bitter when scorned...but you keep it inside...

Possible blindspots: because you are SOOOO in the present, you have a hard time seeing possibilities or consequences of your actions...can become mired in the daily grind...don't forget to express your bottled-up feelings...you can be taken advantage of....could be pessimistic about the future because it's unknown and you rely on past experiences.....you want to plan too much.

ISFJ: "I Serve Family Joyfully"

sucking

2005-10-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

july 11
august 11
september 11
october 11

four months since i've been here.
what have i been doing you ask?
corporate america has sucked all my blog energy.
and eats into the way i live my life.
mother fuck.
when did this happen to me?
gotta find some zen.

diddy

2005-06-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

blog diddy blog diddy blog blog blog
blogging
blogging
blogging again

(guitar solo)

sing to the song of the wack diddy wack

Knees

2005-05-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

It's hot again.
The kind of weather that makes me sweat behind my knees.
The time of year when my daughter was born.
Summer.
Maybe that's what we should have named her.

ho hum

2005-03-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

blue again

to quote my husband in one of the first emails he sent me
"being blue sucks. there must be a high suicide rate among smurfs"
still makes me smile

pictures from the coast and one of my girl

2005-02-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

exposed

butterfly one

rocks

jim with me turning 30

my baby girl - olivia ann

all things grand

2005-02-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

it's freaking me out.
the wrinkles around my eyes.
the sag of the skin on my face.
even my hands are starting to look aged.

it's happening.
life.
love.
and all things grand.

after writing this post, i found this
song speaking to me.
a happier spin on it all.

love

2005-02-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

"i got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
where?
down in my heart.
where?
down in my heart.
i got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
down in my heart to stay."

i think this was one of the jesus songs i used to sing in my high school youth group.
fellowship of christian athletes. wow. that was a long time ago.

but, i digress.

i was just singing this to myself as i was cuddling with my kid.
ain't nothing greater.

knock knock

2005-02-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

i don't knock when i go to my mother's house
my mother knocks when she comes to my house
she is open
i am closed

"love comes knocking
but you won't let it in"
sing it

self entitlement
boundaries
self establishment
nutter butters

whoop di doo

Nuts

2005-02-02T21:29:00.000-08:00

My husband tells me that eating nuts helps cure depression.
Pick your sick little mind out of the gutter or stop giggling.
I ate about three or four, ok maybe 5, handfuls of blue diamond smokehouse almonds, which distinctly remind me of my childhood and my father.
I don't know why.
I figure I must be real depressed because I couldn't stop eating those fuckers.
Seratonin, enzymes, whatever.
All I know is I've got this awful taste in my mouth and a gritty coating on my teeth.
Feels nasty.
My stomach feels like it's sinking into my pelvis, and I'm not entirely convinced that I won't throw up.
Distraction from depression.
Ain't no seratonin ezyme crap going on.

Day One

2005-02-02T19:30:00.000-08:00

Day One of Blog. Do not know what this is about. Crazy baby. Crazy mama. Done Blogging For Now.